À bientôt (4 days & counting down)

Love

Is the grass always greener on the other side? Or so it seems. I see no harm in thinking that way, in appreciating what's on the other side. If I just look inside my soul, I see what's truly within. Home will always be where the heart is, or rather, the heart will always know where home is. I haven't travelled that far nor wide, unlike some PPS-members, but I've had the privilege of visiting other parts of the world - beholding breathtaking sights, marvelling at rich cultures/customs & the cherry on top of all that icing, falling in love. Was there no other, geographically closer, who could steal my heart & sweep me off my feet? FAQ from my dear local friends. "Isn't it easier just to find someone around the neighbourhood?" Hmm... let's see now. There were some attempts. Some proved successful for a bit. But all those previous/current attempts, no matter how sincere or frivolous, failed to last. So, how do you catch a cloud & pin it down? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Life is an illusion. Love is a fleeting butterfly - pretty & brief - if you catch it & try to keep it, or if you simply let it be, it dies anyway. That's its natural lifespan. But if I allow it in my heart, & give it love, I see it again every time I close my eyes. Illusion? Maybe. But it is my everlasting illusion. I guess the objective isn't to own love, nor the person I love. It is a choice I make every single day - to love in spite of geographical, physical, characteristic, emotional, spiritual differences. It's a choice my heart makes, my own preferential decision. Coincidentally, this comes naturally too. The amazing part is this very journey fuels itself. Not that it's all smooth-sailing. We get our share, individually, of bumps & bruises - this is what makes the magic equilibrium work. The more heated the arguments, the more distinct the differences, the more emotion we throw out during our fights, the sweeter & stronger the love becomes. Another law of nature perhaps - opposites attract?

Déjà vu. I'm getting a bout of paramnesia right now. I've probably thought of this before, these words above.

So I come to this... that the one living person my heart is closest to is on the other side of Planet Earth. Yet he loves me more than I should love myself. The other man of my life is not even physically on Gaia. Yet I love him more than anything material. In me, he sees & knows the other him. In my heart, I hold dear & true - all the precious, fleeting moments of the past & present. Without fear nor guilt, is how I want to face the future. Happiness is what I treasure right now - every change, every turn, every smile, every tear. It only happens once.

I love you. You know who you are.

Shades of Grey

What makes us do what's right or wrong? We're all born with basic instincts - "no" is the first word we learn, "yes" the second. Parents say "don't do this, don't do that", hoping that kids will catch on & figure out what's right. But black or white, children see the world in all its full colours. Some adults never figure that everything is neither black nor white, but shades of grey. Is it so hard to believe in grey? Perhaps just as it is with grasping the concept of faith & anything that is intangible. Funny we should remind ourselves to see/feel/think like a child, ever so often. Our human minds are so efficient in forming conditioned perspectives that stick to us for so long, sometimes too long that it blocks out all other (endless) possibilities. We're driven by fear, guilt & perceived need to do the right thing. Justification.

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Tonight's movie was Disturbia - not too deep & definitely not that disturbing but it got me biting my nails at the end. Pretty girl, cute dude who went from chasing over-sized robots to stalking psychotic neighbour, plus cool Trinity mum. It wasn't too bad but they should have worked on the movie title - "What he did last summer" is unoriginal but more relative at least. Hanabi was not too far from previous standards either, except I'm still suffering the consequences of eating too much, as usual. Had some private time with Little Edric whose big observant eyes never fail to amaze me. I can't wait to have a conversation with him. Every time I see those bright eyes, I wonder what he sees... I wonder I what I saw when I had that look. I can't remember & I guess he won't either, when he reaches my age. But I'd like to catch those moments & see from a child's eyes again.

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We're never too old to see like a child & no child should ever be rushed into adulthood. With each experience, we learn & we grow. We also gain a new perspective, sometimes a new fear/guilt that will set a new conditioning. These conditionings protect us for awhile & seeing that it works, our minds automatically retain the magic formula. Until it fails us again. It often takes a few vicious cycles & dramatic downfalls to realise that the only thing that matters is believing in ourselves. How important it is not to be trapped in our own set impressions & how much more crucial it is to be in touch with our deepest conscience. There is simply too much to learn, know & experience in a lifetime. Not knowing who we truly are would be the greatest pity.

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I'm starting to explore myself again. I did that a lot as a child, that much I do remember. Staring into space, letting my mind wander, looking in the mirror - I wasn't wondering how the world saw me, I didn't care so much then. The focus of interest was me. What am I, who am I, why do I feel this way, what makes me think like that, what are dreams? Questions that may not have tangible answers & definitely not found in any textbook/manual. The most important questions in self-discovery. There are so many ways to connect to the world - TV, books, magazines, Internet, people. But how many ways are there to connect to oneself? Just one. So why do we ignore ourselves so often & choose to discover the world instead? After all, it is this very journey that has no destination, no boundaries, no right or wrong.

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红 橙 黄 绿 蓝 靛 紫

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Rainbow - spectrum of colours, scientifically proven as the breakdown of white light. So rests my case of "nothing is ever just black or white". Incidentally & more abstract, this spectrum of colours is referred to across cultures, religions & philosophies, as the 7 chakras of the human body. Won't go into details for now as I don't know the details (yet). Just to revert to my initial chain of thoughts... Believe in yourself. Make the effort to continually explore & be more aware of this self-discovery journey. You will be amazed at how the world connects itself to you once you are connected to yourself.

Butterfly Park

I can't sleep... tossed around for 2hrs & decided that blogging might be worth a try, to tire me. Made the mistake of sleeping at 9pm & waking up at 10.45pm just to watch the last 15 minutes of Desperate Housewives. Sigh. Now I'm really desperate. Still trying to break my TV-addiction. The only time I could stop thinking about TV is when I'm around G, when time is too precious to be wasted on the goggle-box. Of course, he's much more interesting than any Blockbuster movie or award-winning series. I guess the only way to break a habit/conditioning/addiction is to replace it with another - a less "harmful" one preferably. Sleep was & is my favourite habit/addiction. I cut down on food, expenses, shopping, TV, smoking, electricity usage (no air-con, no lights, just the fan.) etc. when I sleep. Some say it's a waste of time & you can sleep all you want when you're lying in the coffin. Sure, sleep isn't a career & definitely doesn't help me make any money although it saves me a lot. But sleep, is my body's own way of recharging itself from a hard day's work. It lets me stay in touch with my subsconsciousness & brings me to more places than my physical body or material means can take me. Dream travel - free & easy, guaranteed safe flights, no ridiculous tax inflations, no harm to the environment at all. I see what I want to see. I feel what I want to feel. Best of all, I choose my travel companions & they're always happy to travel with me. Tonight's destination is butterfly park... Do you like butterflies?

If a picture paints a thousand words

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show the YOU I've come to know.

If a man could be in 2 places at 1 time, I'd be with you,

Tomorrow & today, Beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die,

I'd spend the end with you. And when the world was through,

Then one by one the stars would all go out,

and you & I would simply fly away.

Où sont mes chats?

Capucine et Albator

1 is a yellow-eyed white tabby with her trademark chest patch.

The other is a cool black (also yellow-eyed) with his signature scar on his right fore leg.

I miss them... perhaps afraid to admit that they may be having a better time out free than me wallowing in my loss. I saw 4 black cats today - what are the odds? I consider myself lucky even if the majority think that black cats are omens of bad luck. "Never let a black cat cross your path"... so they say. I'd give anything to have Albator cross my path again. He was the most special (& almost unwilling) pet I've ever had. Of course, my 8-yr poodle Jojo was very much a part of my childhood too. But these 2 kitties shared a part of my destiny.

14 March 2007 was the last time I saw Capucine & 15 March 2007, Albator. Letting them go was the hardest thing to do.

Capucine is the "blonde" female with more grey patterns on her left (extending to half her left fore leg) than her right.

She's extremely good at looking up at me with typical curiousity.

"Watzup, human?"

Oh, this is then her doing the "DUH.." Not the most flattering shot, huh?

But she knows when the camera near & posing is one of her many adorable traits...

My favourite shot of Capucine - could you resist that soft white belly she's showing off?

Even Albator couldn't ignore her seductive belly move... maybe he's just wondering how she does it.

He can be a poser too.

Mr. Cool Cat truly knows how to get a TV-addicted-human's attention.

A rare & favourite moment. That's me, enjoying my Cat Therapy. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Bliss.

He's not to be ruffled with, though. Or he'll show you his fangs & hissing Attitude.

Anyway, that's just a yawn. Albator stopped hissing at me a long time ago.

He watches every move - very alert & fully aware. When his eyes are not focused, he still sees & knows.

Albator's version of the "DUH.." look, quite the same expression as Capucine's.

Cooperation - it's not just a scratching post - 1 holds the post still, the other practises to be "Muhammad Al"(bator).

Capucine's quite the prankster, she looks like she's patiently waiting to use the loo...

But wait till Albator's done with his business... ... ... GOTCHA!!!

Round 1 - DING DING DING! FIGHT! Tails erect! He fights back & clobbers her, pinned down. Payback time. Ha!

When she can't win, she tries hynotism.

"Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, 123, 321"

But they love each other. He adores her & she loves the attention. I'd love to see them like this again... someday.

07.07.07

"Live Earth" ~ A day to remind everyone that we must combat our climate crisis... global warming - Nobody's exaggerating.

I woke up with swollen eyes but they didn't hurt as much anymore. The coffee was good, as it always is. I looked out the window & watched the world go about their "Live Earth" Saturday. It was late & the hustle/bustle of Saturday mornings was probably over. It seemed that people were cat-napping & the cats were people-watching? I saw a yellow-patched kitty discovering the chow I left the night before (intentionally for the family of 3 kitties & 1 mummy prowling around, seemingly looking for food). It warmed my heart to see "Yellow-Patch" enjoying her discovery. Then I spotted a black kitty... subtly watching "Yellow-Patch". My swollen eyes strained to see (from 5 floors up) this "Blackie"'s ears & tail & if he walked with a slight limp... full black coat (from top view), pointed-sharp ears, short & slightly distorted tail... I couldn't see the limp & I didn't want to wait. Grabbed my keys, more cat chow & ran downstairs. I needed a closer view.

I was so nervous but excited cos' I knew that if I found Albator first (he's definitely much harder to spot), Capucine would be around. I was so sure.

But it wasn't Albator. I gave "Blackie-with-white-chest-spot" some food anyway. Figured that black cats are not as loved as the colourful ones & I definitely have a special affection for Black Cats.

I waited & watched "Blackie-w.w.c.s." for awhile.. "Yellow-Patch" came around & rubbed herself next to me - as if to say thank you. As I walked away, their eyes told me I made 2 new friends today. "Mummy" & her 3 kitties were playing nearby & didn't notice me walking past but I told them to stay close together.

Since I still had some food with me, I decided to walk around & get to know the neighbourhood. Maybe 07.07.07 would be my lucky day. "Turquoise Eyes" was my next lucky acquaintance. She got the gourmet chow I had been saving for my beloved Capucine. But those beautiful eyes were hard to resist & I was in a generous mood.

I needed my cig-fix but sharing & giving made me happy. My soul was fed even more when I saw the most unlikely character giving food to other kitties (This is cat-city I'm living in, they're everywhere & I know they stay around because they're loved here. I picked the right neighbourhood of cat-lovers & human-loving cats.) This human was old, thin & wore a T-shirt that meant he didn't have much working as a cleaner. "Muddy" recognised him & gave a stretched bow as he walked by. He put his hand in a little plastic bag of chow & then put it in a corner near "Muddy", like a routine he's done many many times. My eyes followed both the man & "Muddy" savouring her moment until "Snowy" came along. He did the same for "Snowy" & she meowed in appreciation.

It seems that the most generous people are the ones who give whatever they have even though they don't have much. So it brings me to this thought: Is it more important to have or to share? Isn't it just an excuse to say we can't give b'cos we don't have enough? What is enough?

Some people feel that we should help fellow human beings rather than animals. But how often do we realise that animals appreciate our simple gifts more than humans do? After all, humans are the only creatures who are truly selfish by nature. How many of us simply take for granted the kindness shown to us, especially when we are no longer in times of need? It's sad that we have to be reminded constantly... to give what we have & not to take without giving back. Why do we wait till there's a crisis to lend a helping hand? Why do we feel pity that we've never seen the Dodo? Or cry about losing the last rainforest? Every creature on earth - including humans - is endangered. We don't live to die but in living, we are dying.

The awareness becomes greater when the threat of death & extinction becomes more obvious. What do we do when all the trees have died? What do we do when all the animals have died? We die too.