Whatever

I'm a dreamer. Born a dreamer, live to dream, will die dreaming. Now what is wrong with that? Nothing & everything. If I do not write these thoughts down, I will not be able to sleep & what's worse than no dreams? Bad ones.

I am not a bird, nor a plane, nor superman. But I'm a flyer of the highest kind. A human with human abilities & with Angels who will, at any moment, with or without asking, lend/give me their wings. I do not seek more beautiful wings nor stronger ones. I am growing & strengthening my own wings. Yes, I have wings. Good things tend to rub off on you when you hang out with the "right" crowd. The only & best way to grow/strengthen my own wings is to stay grounded. It's always hard to stay grounded, especially when I love to fly.

The irony of it all is that ground-folk screw with my wings & inspire ~ all at the same time. Out of 1,000,000 ground-folk, including myself, only 1 will truly help me out without selfish intentions of their own. 1 in a million. Cold, hard fact. I am my own best friend & worst enemy. The sooner I accept the truth, the closer I am to flying.

I am also feline by nature ~ independent, a survivor, adaptable, nine lives. Hesitate, I will not, to scratch the next dog/cat/ground-folk who tries to screw with my wings. Pause, I will not, to mince my words if they're just cold, hard facts. Selfish, I will be, if that's what it takes to survive. Screw all who can't handle that.

Friendship, Loyalty & Growing Up

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart
.
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you & I
.
Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
"Please let us come home to stay"
.
When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the light
Warm our hearts, everyone
.
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you & I
.
~ Diana Ross ("The Land Before Time")

Charlotte

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.

~ E. B. White

True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth & value. ~ Ben Jonson

Today, I do not celebrate my measly years of existence. Perhaps the 100th year of survival may be worth a jubilation. What I truly want to commemorate is friendship.

Most of us will not remember the day nor date we became friends, except for those who keep a detailed diary recording the day I first did/said something crediting to my potential as a fellow comrade. The day we met & exchanged names doesn't count, does it? I don't think we had the slightest idea, at that initial introduction, what was to like or dislike about each other. Unless you're psychic or psycho, we could not possibly predict that we'd still be friends now.

A friend, by dictionary definition, is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. He/she is also someone who gives assistance &/or support - someone on good terms with another, "anti-foe".

Among you, there are some whom I loved from the beginning. There were also others who seemed a little different and more unpredictable. But the one common trait amidst all you present pals is that our friendships evolved in the most phenomenal qualitative (not quantitative) ways.

Our friendships fly on its own. We fly on our own. It does not rely on being together regularly nor the need to gossip or share our darkest secrets. I could have been home alone today & I would still be reasonably happy with my life because some bunnies (& kitties) love me.

So there I was - not throwing an outrageous bash with 100 acquaintances I hardly know the names of - but with, & by specific choice, the finest selection of buddies anyone could ever hope to have.

When/if I reach my centennial anniversary, although I'm not quite sure if longevity is my heartfelt wish, I sincerely hope that you first-class, top-notch friends will have minds agile enough to challenge me on a simple game of UNO. Haha.

Thank you, 谢谢您, Kum Sia, Merci, Danke, Dank u, Grazie, "Hum-sa-mi-da", Bbl, Gracias, Khaawp Khoon Kha, Köszönöm, Doomo arigatoo gozaimasu...

sand in my shoes

two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed
but I'm home now, and things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack, try to forget for one more night that I'm back in my flat
on the road where the cars never stop going through the night
to a life where I can't watch the sun set, I don't have time, I don't have time

I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you but why would I want to
I know we said goodbye, anything else would have been confused
but I want to see you again

tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
try to remind myself that I was happy here before I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away
from the road where the cars never stop going through the night
to a life where I can watch the sun set and take my time, take all our time

I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you but why would I want to
I know we said goodbye, anything else would have been confused
but I want to see you again

two weeks away, all it takes, to change and turn me around I've fallen
I walked away, and never said, that I wanted to see you again

I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you but why would I want to
I know we said goodbye, anything else would have been confused
but I want to see you again

~ Dido

Fear neither the BIG... nor the small

It's got to rain... HBS

I love the other side but I hate the "getting there" part. Specifically, I dislike "taking off" in a plane, or standing at the departure hall "sending off" someone I'd rather have stay with me. But I will work on the "taking-off" part this time...

People love flowers but they hate the rain.

The things that bring joy come from that which brings pain.

So the reason why we have fields of grain is because it's got to rain.

.........................................................................................................................

..................................................

Count the lucky stars for our tropical weather. I love rainy weather. It clears the air, it waters our plants & trees, it's romantic or hilarious to share an umbrella or simply get drenched with a friend(s). Floods don't happen often here & even if they do, it doesn't last. Half of us have (at least once in our lives) wished that it would snow here. Probably only because we know it would never happen, except with fake water-spouting machines imported during Christmas for "publicity" or entertainment. Nothing beats the real thing. Nothing beats witnessing the first snow fall, or the "first" anything for that matter. That moment, I hardly cared or remembered that every snowflake is different, for obvious reasons... Like most humans, I do not have microscopic eyes. The focus was: "This is the first time I'm seeing/touching snow-fall!" Swaku, yes. The locals who noticed, probably thought this Asian girl, with the silliest grin on her face, sticking half her body out the balcony ledge with arms out-stretched, like trying to catch diamonds falling from the sky, is a !#$%^&* nutcase. Whatever. I was enjoying my moment. I may not see snow again this time but I'm quite sure there is something beautiful to be discovered & experienced, as it is with every new journey.

Oh, & if I'm too caught up in my fun to blog on 9 August 2007...

Happy 42nd Birthday Singapore!

À bientôt (4 days & counting down)

Love

Is the grass always greener on the other side? Or so it seems. I see no harm in thinking that way, in appreciating what's on the other side. If I just look inside my soul, I see what's truly within. Home will always be where the heart is, or rather, the heart will always know where home is. I haven't travelled that far nor wide, unlike some PPS-members, but I've had the privilege of visiting other parts of the world - beholding breathtaking sights, marvelling at rich cultures/customs & the cherry on top of all that icing, falling in love. Was there no other, geographically closer, who could steal my heart & sweep me off my feet? FAQ from my dear local friends. "Isn't it easier just to find someone around the neighbourhood?" Hmm... let's see now. There were some attempts. Some proved successful for a bit. But all those previous/current attempts, no matter how sincere or frivolous, failed to last. So, how do you catch a cloud & pin it down? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Life is an illusion. Love is a fleeting butterfly - pretty & brief - if you catch it & try to keep it, or if you simply let it be, it dies anyway. That's its natural lifespan. But if I allow it in my heart, & give it love, I see it again every time I close my eyes. Illusion? Maybe. But it is my everlasting illusion. I guess the objective isn't to own love, nor the person I love. It is a choice I make every single day - to love in spite of geographical, physical, characteristic, emotional, spiritual differences. It's a choice my heart makes, my own preferential decision. Coincidentally, this comes naturally too. The amazing part is this very journey fuels itself. Not that it's all smooth-sailing. We get our share, individually, of bumps & bruises - this is what makes the magic equilibrium work. The more heated the arguments, the more distinct the differences, the more emotion we throw out during our fights, the sweeter & stronger the love becomes. Another law of nature perhaps - opposites attract?

Déjà vu. I'm getting a bout of paramnesia right now. I've probably thought of this before, these words above.

So I come to this... that the one living person my heart is closest to is on the other side of Planet Earth. Yet he loves me more than I should love myself. The other man of my life is not even physically on Gaia. Yet I love him more than anything material. In me, he sees & knows the other him. In my heart, I hold dear & true - all the precious, fleeting moments of the past & present. Without fear nor guilt, is how I want to face the future. Happiness is what I treasure right now - every change, every turn, every smile, every tear. It only happens once.

I love you. You know who you are.

Shades of Grey

What makes us do what's right or wrong? We're all born with basic instincts - "no" is the first word we learn, "yes" the second. Parents say "don't do this, don't do that", hoping that kids will catch on & figure out what's right. But black or white, children see the world in all its full colours. Some adults never figure that everything is neither black nor white, but shades of grey. Is it so hard to believe in grey? Perhaps just as it is with grasping the concept of faith & anything that is intangible. Funny we should remind ourselves to see/feel/think like a child, ever so often. Our human minds are so efficient in forming conditioned perspectives that stick to us for so long, sometimes too long that it blocks out all other (endless) possibilities. We're driven by fear, guilt & perceived need to do the right thing. Justification.

.

Tonight's movie was Disturbia - not too deep & definitely not that disturbing but it got me biting my nails at the end. Pretty girl, cute dude who went from chasing over-sized robots to stalking psychotic neighbour, plus cool Trinity mum. It wasn't too bad but they should have worked on the movie title - "What he did last summer" is unoriginal but more relative at least. Hanabi was not too far from previous standards either, except I'm still suffering the consequences of eating too much, as usual. Had some private time with Little Edric whose big observant eyes never fail to amaze me. I can't wait to have a conversation with him. Every time I see those bright eyes, I wonder what he sees... I wonder I what I saw when I had that look. I can't remember & I guess he won't either, when he reaches my age. But I'd like to catch those moments & see from a child's eyes again.

.

We're never too old to see like a child & no child should ever be rushed into adulthood. With each experience, we learn & we grow. We also gain a new perspective, sometimes a new fear/guilt that will set a new conditioning. These conditionings protect us for awhile & seeing that it works, our minds automatically retain the magic formula. Until it fails us again. It often takes a few vicious cycles & dramatic downfalls to realise that the only thing that matters is believing in ourselves. How important it is not to be trapped in our own set impressions & how much more crucial it is to be in touch with our deepest conscience. There is simply too much to learn, know & experience in a lifetime. Not knowing who we truly are would be the greatest pity.

.

I'm starting to explore myself again. I did that a lot as a child, that much I do remember. Staring into space, letting my mind wander, looking in the mirror - I wasn't wondering how the world saw me, I didn't care so much then. The focus of interest was me. What am I, who am I, why do I feel this way, what makes me think like that, what are dreams? Questions that may not have tangible answers & definitely not found in any textbook/manual. The most important questions in self-discovery. There are so many ways to connect to the world - TV, books, magazines, Internet, people. But how many ways are there to connect to oneself? Just one. So why do we ignore ourselves so often & choose to discover the world instead? After all, it is this very journey that has no destination, no boundaries, no right or wrong.

.

红 橙 黄 绿 蓝 靛 紫

.

Rainbow - spectrum of colours, scientifically proven as the breakdown of white light. So rests my case of "nothing is ever just black or white". Incidentally & more abstract, this spectrum of colours is referred to across cultures, religions & philosophies, as the 7 chakras of the human body. Won't go into details for now as I don't know the details (yet). Just to revert to my initial chain of thoughts... Believe in yourself. Make the effort to continually explore & be more aware of this self-discovery journey. You will be amazed at how the world connects itself to you once you are connected to yourself.

Butterfly Park

I can't sleep... tossed around for 2hrs & decided that blogging might be worth a try, to tire me. Made the mistake of sleeping at 9pm & waking up at 10.45pm just to watch the last 15 minutes of Desperate Housewives. Sigh. Now I'm really desperate. Still trying to break my TV-addiction. The only time I could stop thinking about TV is when I'm around G, when time is too precious to be wasted on the goggle-box. Of course, he's much more interesting than any Blockbuster movie or award-winning series. I guess the only way to break a habit/conditioning/addiction is to replace it with another - a less "harmful" one preferably. Sleep was & is my favourite habit/addiction. I cut down on food, expenses, shopping, TV, smoking, electricity usage (no air-con, no lights, just the fan.) etc. when I sleep. Some say it's a waste of time & you can sleep all you want when you're lying in the coffin. Sure, sleep isn't a career & definitely doesn't help me make any money although it saves me a lot. But sleep, is my body's own way of recharging itself from a hard day's work. It lets me stay in touch with my subsconsciousness & brings me to more places than my physical body or material means can take me. Dream travel - free & easy, guaranteed safe flights, no ridiculous tax inflations, no harm to the environment at all. I see what I want to see. I feel what I want to feel. Best of all, I choose my travel companions & they're always happy to travel with me. Tonight's destination is butterfly park... Do you like butterflies?

If a picture paints a thousand words

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show the YOU I've come to know.

If a man could be in 2 places at 1 time, I'd be with you,

Tomorrow & today, Beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die,

I'd spend the end with you. And when the world was through,

Then one by one the stars would all go out,

and you & I would simply fly away.

Où sont mes chats?

Capucine et Albator

1 is a yellow-eyed white tabby with her trademark chest patch.

The other is a cool black (also yellow-eyed) with his signature scar on his right fore leg.

I miss them... perhaps afraid to admit that they may be having a better time out free than me wallowing in my loss. I saw 4 black cats today - what are the odds? I consider myself lucky even if the majority think that black cats are omens of bad luck. "Never let a black cat cross your path"... so they say. I'd give anything to have Albator cross my path again. He was the most special (& almost unwilling) pet I've ever had. Of course, my 8-yr poodle Jojo was very much a part of my childhood too. But these 2 kitties shared a part of my destiny.

14 March 2007 was the last time I saw Capucine & 15 March 2007, Albator. Letting them go was the hardest thing to do.

Capucine is the "blonde" female with more grey patterns on her left (extending to half her left fore leg) than her right.

She's extremely good at looking up at me with typical curiousity.

"Watzup, human?"

Oh, this is then her doing the "DUH.." Not the most flattering shot, huh?

But she knows when the camera near & posing is one of her many adorable traits...

My favourite shot of Capucine - could you resist that soft white belly she's showing off?

Even Albator couldn't ignore her seductive belly move... maybe he's just wondering how she does it.

He can be a poser too.

Mr. Cool Cat truly knows how to get a TV-addicted-human's attention.

A rare & favourite moment. That's me, enjoying my Cat Therapy. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Bliss.

He's not to be ruffled with, though. Or he'll show you his fangs & hissing Attitude.

Anyway, that's just a yawn. Albator stopped hissing at me a long time ago.

He watches every move - very alert & fully aware. When his eyes are not focused, he still sees & knows.

Albator's version of the "DUH.." look, quite the same expression as Capucine's.

Cooperation - it's not just a scratching post - 1 holds the post still, the other practises to be "Muhammad Al"(bator).

Capucine's quite the prankster, she looks like she's patiently waiting to use the loo...

But wait till Albator's done with his business... ... ... GOTCHA!!!

Round 1 - DING DING DING! FIGHT! Tails erect! He fights back & clobbers her, pinned down. Payback time. Ha!

When she can't win, she tries hynotism.

"Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, 123, 321"

But they love each other. He adores her & she loves the attention. I'd love to see them like this again... someday.